i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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