New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
