we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
