I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
