Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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