**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
