Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I got inside last night via doggy door
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
