Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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