So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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