if i died would you start the facebook group?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
