I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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