you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
