omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize