You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Couch. On fire.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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