Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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