Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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