I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
