It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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