I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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