Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize