How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
