i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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