Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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