My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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