Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
