That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize