Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize