My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize