Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
