Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
