My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
