Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
