My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
