Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
