It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
