"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
