dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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