You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
