just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
