I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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