Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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