my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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