Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
