its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
