oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Randomize