Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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