Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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