On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
