For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
