I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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