I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
