It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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