Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
