no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize