I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
