I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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