then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
