Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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