Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize