Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize