I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
