The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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