The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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