I got chris browned last night
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
