Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
third nipple confirmed
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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