I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
